The Obligatory Self-Introduction

I'll be honest, I really, really hate writing this sort of thing, so please forgive me if this is awful. I'll try to summarize the important things I think you should know about me as quickly and concisely as possible.

Basics first, I suppose. My name is Annika. I'm twenty-four, I don't have a college degree even though I always loved school, and I have passions for Harry Potter, writing, fantasy, cats, anime, and avoiding unnecessary social events. I love learning about everything from theology to history, nature and foreign language. 

Now, onto the things that actually matter.

First of all, I'm a protestant Christian. I grew up in a Christian home and was saved as a teenager. I attend a PCA Presbyterian church, even though I'm more a reformed Baptist, theologically. Theology is very important to me, and I think it's a shame so many people treat it like a taboo topic out of fear of division. That just means you need more practice talking to people who don't share your opinion - something that is becoming more and more important in this time of cultural division in the United States, but is difficult to find.

Secondly, I'm a bit different from what most consider "normal." Here is a summary of my main quirks and struggles.

I'm autistic. I've always felt removed from my peers, as if a glass wall separated me from my youth group, my co-op, my coworkers. At eighteen, I realized I displayed the symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder, and every bit of research I did only solidified what started as a hypothesis into a theory, until I was able to claim autism to some extent in my conversations with others. My personal research and the knowledge it gave me enabled me to look at my own mind from a new perspective and understand myself in ways that actually allowed me to work with my differences instead of trying to force my way through them. I am now diagnosed and quite proud of it, and hope that the boost in confidence the official diagnosis gave me will help me to fight the prevalent ignorance surrounding ASD in my little tiny sphere of influence. 

My marriage was founded young and in rocky circumstances. I'm married to the guy who first suggested I was likely autistic. His name is Jeff, and we met over Facebook when we both commented on a post about youth groups and got talking about church structures and theology. He has been diagnosed with ASD and ADD, loves Halo and Fall Out Boy, and wishes all bureaucracy could be abolished. We got married when we were both twenty, and that's a whole story I might share one day. It was not simple and not the plot of a sweet chick-flick movie, and I'm honestly glad to be in the "happily married" stage rather than what came before that.

I'm also asexual. I try not to wrap my entire identity around it, but it's also something that has become increasingly hard for me to ignore the older I get. It can be cool, sometimes, but mostly I'm struggling to figure out how a lack of sexual attraction to anyone affects me, my marriage, and how I relate to Scriptures such as the Song of Solomon and Paul's mentions of celibacy. It's a strange position to be in: I'm technically an accepted part of the LGBT+ community based on my sexuality, and yet I'm sure I would be kicked out by many online communities because of my religious beliefs. Quite frankly, that doesn't bother me too much. I try not to get too involved, and my faith is more important.

I had two reasons for starting this blog. First, I needed a place to ramble and iron out my sometimes convoluted thoughts on these things (and a place to rave about good books, let's be honest). The second reason I feel deserves a bit more explanation.

Both as a teenager, and at times as a younger adult, I have spent a lot of time feeling like I don't fit in and like my struggles are practically unprecedented. That simply isn't true. There are other people out there who share in my struggles and who relate to my circumstances. Sometimes they are difficult to find, though - especially in the church. Finding Christians who are willing to talk about their mental health, about the shame and trauma of their pasts, and about coming to terms with their sexual identity is not easy! Online communities lean towards liberal theology and "feel-good faith." Conservative and orthodox church communities tend towards tight lips. I know I'm not the only person going to church who struggles with reconciling my asexuality and my marriage and my faith! I know I'm not the only person in my congregation who has ever felt so pathetically alone that I was driven to thinking that I was somehow cursed! I know I'm not the only one with things in my past that I can barely talk about yet probably needs to talk about! 

I know I'm not alone!

But a lot of times, it sure feels like it.

This blog is my way of waving a banner; of declaring: "I am here! These are my struggles. Join me, let us talk about it, and in doing so, realize that our problems are not unprecedented." I want to reconcile my faith with my cloistered struggles and secrets, and I want to help others do the same.

So welcome! Come talk to me! I hope you're a little weird, too.

If you want more about why I'm writing this blog, try checking out this post. For a hint about what I'd like to see change in the Western churches, check out "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns.