I'm Tired of Playing the Part

I wouldn't say I could win any "worst life" contests, not by a long shot. I'm only twenty-three, and most of those years were... at least relatively normal (normal has been redefined in hindsight).

But I have experienced some things that not everyone has and those things have caused me and my loved ones pain. Some of it was my fault, some of it wasn't.

I was barely age nineteen when I ran away from home. I refused to call it that at first. I was "moving out." Right, almost completely unplanned, without a driver's license or a job, just a duffel bag and purse with a taxi as my escape vehicle. That's definitely what "moving out" looks like.

It's a long story, one I don't like talking about because it's embarrassing, it's painful, and I'm scared of being judged for my decisions. I sometimes wonder now if I couldn't have plowed through the difficulties I was facing back then that pushed me to run, but there isn't much sense in staying stuck on "what ifs," is there? Back then, I was facing the worst problems I'd ever had, and I couldn't find a good way to handle it at home, so I left, and what's done is done. Thankfully, I had some really amazing people step up to help me. People who hadn't even met me in person before, people who only had one conversation with me and asked me to text them to let them know I was okay.

God protected me and He carried me through those years. I'm still not sure how I managed, but I suppose that's the point, isn't it? I didn't manage anything. I completely broke down and tossed everything familiar aside, at the end of my rope from stresses, and basically just panicked for a good year. And somehow here I am almost five years later with a loving husband, mended relationships with my family on both sides, and a couple of life-long friends I never would have expected to have.

The old problems that felt so insurmountable have passed. I have plenty of other issues to tackle now (who doesn't?) and I certainly don't claim to have all that under control, but the reminder that I've been through things I never would have thought possible and here I am on the other side is incredible. It gives me courage.

I'll be honest, my spiritual life isn't what I want it to be right now. In a way, that makes the knowledge that God has supported me through everything even more amazing. I'm a complete and utter failure. I don't pray every day or read my Bible aside from Sundays. I feel bad about it, but so far, that's about it.

Knowing that I'm so pitiable in my spiritual life makes it hard to accept that I'm saved. Why? Because, my natural inclination is still to save myself, even though I know that's impossible. When I'm doing the things I know I should be, I don't have any doubts! Because I'm placing my faith in my own "spiritual" actions instead of Jesus's sacrifice.

I'm not sure why it's so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I can rest even when I'm a failure.

I'm often reminded of Casting Crowns' song "Stained Glass Masquerade":

"Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small



Cause when I take a look around

Everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

That I don't belong



So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay

If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too

So with a painted grin, I play the part again

So everyone will see me the way that I see them



Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade



Is there anyone who's been there

Are there any hands to raise

Am I the only one who's traded

In the altar for a stage



The performance is convincing

And we know every line by heart

Only when no one is watching

Can we really fall apart



But would it set me free

If I dared to let you see

The truth behind the person

That you imagine me to be



Would your arms be open

Or would you walk away

Would the love of Jesus

Be enough to make you stay."

My husband and I have recently begun attending a new church that we hope will prove to be a safe space to talk about everything that is wrong. A church that isn't a masquerade. There's so much pressure to have it all together, and in Christian circles I feel like the fear of judgement is so much worse.

What if I tell someone I'm sure I'm an undiagnosed autistic? Will they scorn me for self-diagnosis? Will it affect how they perceive me? Or could I find someone who's curious and understanding of the difficulties I face because of it?

What if I tell someone that I'm asexual? Will I have to defend it as something different than a medical condition? Will I be told I'm broken? Or will I find someone to talk about sensitive topics in a Christian context without judgement?

What if it comes out that I got engaged to my long-distance boyfriend the first time we met in person at nineteen? Will I get those familiar looks of wariness and concealed judgement? The false cheer? Will I feel forced to defend my past actions by pointing out that we've now been married for almost four years? Or could someone look deeper and ask why?

I yearn for a place to be open and honest about who I am. I want to talk about my fears, my doubts, and my struggles with other Christians. This desire runs so deeply, and I'm saddened by the reality that for many, internet communities full of strangers such as Tumblr and Reddit prove to be more welcoming and understanding than real-life groups such as churches.

Can we step away from the idea that we need to get everything right? We're all struggling with sins and secrets, and God knows them all. We are supposed to be brothers and sisters, and that's what I want!

If you're struggling with family divides, with torn loyalties, with love, with unwanted sexual struggles, with mental health - you're not alone. There are other Christians who have faced what you're facing now. You don't have to feel like you're the only one who's broken.

We're all part of the body of Christ, and the body needs all of it's body parts.

"For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus." - Romans 3:22-24, ESV

We're all on even footing, here. Let's just start talking. I mean that - leave a comment, about whatever you want. If there's something you wish you had someone to talk to about, whether it's as simple as a hobby no one shares with you or as complicated as questions of identity, I want to listen.